you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
