Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
