I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Boobs are out for the taking
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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