The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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