so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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