i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
