I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
