I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
