Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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