I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
