A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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