so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
