I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
