Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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