he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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