***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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