you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
