I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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