you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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