very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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