I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
