Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
