Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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