I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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