These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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