i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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