He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
