Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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