i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
