It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
