Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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