Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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