Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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