the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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