so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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