Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
