I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
