its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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