Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
