thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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