and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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