I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
