Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
