Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just invented taco cereal.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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