The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
