Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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