she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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