You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
