I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
