my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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