My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
