After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
